Dear Parents,
Before I begin, I admit that I am not a parent, and I do not mean to give parenting advice. I write this letter in hopes of helping parents understand the impact that sexual misconduct in sports has on us children and the adversities we face to unveil this devil to our parents.
When a child is being groomed or abused by someone famous or influential, and often older, it is very difficult to speak the truth because of power imbalances, underconfidence, and lack of support. For us children, we understand the immense effort, time, and money our parents have put in so that we can pursue our dream sport. Our parents have created the perfect bubble for us with the right training, a coach they can trust, and the best atmosphere.
However, inside this bubble, there are chances that the coach is misusing their power. Over the years, a child can be groomed into not speaking up, tolerating the abuse and torture, and succumbing to many uncomfortable moments. No doubt, parents can also be groomed. History, influence, and a stellar reputation are quintessential elements needed for parents to put all their trust in these coaches. Together, the child and parent can be groomed by the coach's special attention, overtime practice, and so-called “tricks and techniques” to help them become the best in the sport.
This makes it even harder for us children to speak up because this was not supposed to happen in the first place. It is awkward for us to confront conversations about sex and our body, and why many of us do not disclose the abuse we have experienced or wait until decades later to do so.
As our parents, we need you to know a few things…
This is not your fault, or your child's fault. This can happen to any child, any athlete, and any parent. Whether you have had the “good touch - bad touch” conversation with your child, whether you are present at every practice session, or whether you have blind faith in your coach. It can happen to anyone.
It is not easy for us children to start this conversation. So if we do, please do not shove it under the rug, please do not shun us from talking about it in public, and please, please, please do not pretend like it did not happen. Yes, this is a hard conversation to have with your child. There are your own emotions, perhaps immense shame, and guilt – how could this happen, how did I trust them, how did I not see it before… But there is immense shame as a victim as well.
Your child needs you to be present and supportive when an athletic community blames them for “tarnishing a reputation” or claims that they have made false allegations. Your child needs you to have their back in front of the law, the coaches, other athletes, and parents. Your child needs you to be their advocate and empower our self-advocacy.
This is what you need to do to make it better. You need to help your child through this by responding in a judgment-free manner and bringing forth support and acceptance. You must become the safe adult who empowers us through these challenging times. The unconditional belief you had in our talent as a sportsperson needs to become unconditional support through our struggle. Be communicative and transparent so we can be seen and heard. Do not ignore it. Participate in this difficult dialogue. Trauma is difficult and complex. Be respectful of our boundaries and prioritize our well-being, rather than what society thinks and what is being said about us. Lastly, we hope that you are there for us, a constant source of trust and support, and a reliable pillar to lean on.
I know as parents you move mountains to give us the best form of sports training and support. Now is your time to move mountains to provide us with a safe and healthy sporting environment.
Signing off,
A hopeful child
Follow these links for more information on grooming, self-advocacy, victim blaming, and supporting survivors in the short and long term. If you require immediate assistance or support please visit our crisis resources.
