Depending on your comfort and experience setting and holding boundaries, this blog post provides a helpful starting tool that may be useful in your boundaries work.
When establishing our boundaries, the first thing to practice is often recognizing what is inside and outside of our control. Mel Robbins's “Let Them” strategy provides a straightforward tool for recognizing boundary lines between ourselves and others.
The mantra “let them, let me” works like this: letting others do what they are going to do while you emphasize your own choices, needs, and boundaries.
For example, the referee, in your opinion, makes a bad call. Let them. Let the referee make a bad call.
Then, let me. Let me rally the team together and focus on the next play.
Alternatively, you could get caught up in the ref’s bad call and become reactive rather than take a moment to use this tool. Remember, we are not in control of our first thought but rather our second thought and first action. Initially, you may feel furious, irritated, mad, or want to give up. The tool “let them, let me” helps give us pause to reflect on what is in our control and decide our response. Perhaps it’s let me get through this game and feel my feelings about this later.
This tool isn’t permitting someone’s bad behavior or letting someone get away with actions that disrespect or harm you or others. Rather, it recognizes that your response, the “let me,” is owning your volition in choosing what to do next. It is clear that we are not responsible for the actions or words of others but for how we choose to handle them. “Letting them” does not mean you are giving up or walking away. You’re freeing yourself. It is a way to own your power.
Here are some more examples:
- A coach feels confused and annoyed that players are consistently showing up late for practice.
Let them show up late.
Rather than yelling at the players upon arrival or making them run laps after practice, Let me (the coach) sit down with the players and ask what’s the cause of the tardiness and work with the athletes to problem solve and work on time management.
- I (the athlete) feel the coach made an unfair decision about playing time or my position.
Let them.
Let me feel my feelings, focus on my skill building, contribute to the team’s success, and communicate with the coach calmly and clearly at an appropriate time and place to advocate for my playing time or position.
“Let them, let me” provides a solid foundation for defining and owning our power and control in how we respond to others. The “let them, let me” tool can help to reduce internal stress and set healthy boundaries.
However, there are circumstances where this tool does NOT apply. For example:
- Someone violates your or someone else’s boundaries, is disrespectful, or enacts misconduct or abuse. You do not have to let them. Here, you can practice Safe, Active Bystander Intervention. You can remove yourself from the situation. You can report the behavior following mandatory reporting or organizational reporting methods. You can reach out to the Courage First Athlete Helpline. You can seek support from a safe adult.
- When safety concerns are present, you do not have to let them. Here, you can call for emergency assistance. You can ask for help. You can utilize crisis resources. You can promptly remove yourself and others from harm. You can report the behavior following mandatory reporting or organizational reporting methods.
Practice using the let them, let me tool, and stay tuned for the next posts in #WeRideTogether’s Boundaries Series for more Boundary Tools!
If you or someone you know needs support, please visit our crisis resources or resources for assistance.
Kathryn McClain, MSW, MBA
Program and Partnerships Director at #WeRideTogether
