What makes for good support?
#WeRideTogether is centered on providing awareness, information, prevention education, and a space for the challenging topics surrounding abuse in sports. This includes providing insight into the difficult conversations we may have with one another.
A frequently asked question in our educational trainings and conversations with athletes, victims/survivors, parents, coaches, and sporting staff is what to say vs. what not to say during disclosures or when supporting someone. (Remember to follow your jurisdiction’s reporting policies and organizational guidelines and procedures as applicable, especially with minors.)
Most of us share the goal of saying the right thing and being helpful instead of harmful. However, these hard conversations often come without warning. We don't want to make things worse, but we may be experiencing our own discomfort or feel out of our depths.
The bottom line is that it’s really hard to know what the right thing to say is.
There is no black-and-white guide of Dos and Don’ts or perfect phrases. Each situation, conversation, and circumstance is highly nuanced, as are all interpersonal connections. What feels comforting, validating, and reassuring to some may be triggering, invalidating, or annoying to others.
For example, even some of our commonly used phrases, such as “We hear you; We see you; You are not alone” could be music to some ears and the most aggravating response for someone else.
Instead of focusing on the right thing to say and do, try reframing your focus. What these difficult moments call for are deep listening and holding of space.
What does that mean? What does good support look like, feel like, and sound like? Below are some guiding principles.
First, it means being calm and present with the person experiencing discomfort, pain, or sharing a tough thing.
This looks like keeping your nervous system regulated. Why? We have mirror neurons that feed off one another. By genuinely holding a calm presence in your body, the other person will naturally mirror your energy. This phenomenon is scientifically proven.
Imagine, rather than entering the ocean of emotion with them, you are standing along the shore only knee-deep. You have compassion and know the temperature of the water they are in, but are not feeling pummeled by the waves as they might. You are staying anchored in the sand. It is much easier to provide support when you do not feel you are also being crushed by the waves. And in turn, this will naturally help the person in need find regulation in their own body on their own time. You serve as a pillar of stability amidst their overwhelm and stress.
Second, it means not making it about you, or taking any of their emotions or reactions to what you say personally.
This is the critical part about taking the pressure off of saying the wrong thing. The reality is that we will never always say the right thing at the right time. So be ready for some pushback, some resistance, and some rebuttal. That’s okay! And it can even be a good sign that someone feels safe with you if they can voice or genuinely show a reaction that what you said wasn’t quite right.
Of course, be thoughtful and kind, think about what you may want to hear, and be mindful or ask if the person is seeking advice or a quiet listener. But what you say can give them agency, contrast, and insight into identifying and asking for what they truly want and need to hear.
For instance, you may say, “I know what that’s like,” or “I’ve been there,” and the receiver may then be able to push back and say, “No, you’ve never been exactly in my shoes.” These responses, if we do not take them personally and keenly listen, can help us find another avenue to try and support based on what the receiver actually needs. And if you can put your ego aside and not worry about being perfect, the safe conversation with you in-and-of itself can be very healing for the person.
Third, it means being non-judgmental.
Maybe what the person is going through isn’t that big of a deal to you, or you would feel a different emotion or to a different degree. But in the moment of holding space for someone else, it is simply not about you, or your projection of your past experiences or how you may think you may feel in their circumstances.
Even if you are very close to the person, you do not share their personal experience, and you have not lived their life. Thus, bench your judgment. You can talk about your perceptions or feelings only if prompted or in a separate outlet, respecting confidentiality.
When providing support, judgment is the quickest way to halt progress and limit expression. Judgment is the quickest way to dissolve any sense of security and safety. It stymies the ability to move forward when it comes to the healing of emotions and the heart. It may be helpful in other realms of life, but not in these supportive moments.
Therefore, the next time you are there supporting someone, try focusing on these best practices instead of worrying about saying the right thing. And remember, you can get support for your needs too. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself and seek help for your own emotions and experiences.
For more information on this topic check out, “Need Support, Start Here,” “Supporting Survivors in the Short Term and Long Term,” and “An Open Letter to all the Sports Moms and Dads on Grooming;” and, if needed, visit our crisis resources and resources pages.
Kathryn McClain, MSW, MBA
Program and Partnerships Director at #WeRideTogether
