Boundaries can be one of those buzzwords or topics that we talk about or hear about, but what does it actually mean to have boundaries, to set boundaries, and to hold boundaries?
#WeRideTogether is here to help – in this Boundaries Series, we will go over the basics of boundaries and provide tangible tools you can easily use.
Simply put, boundaries are lines or limits that establish where one thing ends and another begins. A literal example of a boundary would be the sidelines on a field, a state line, or the fence line around your house. Here, however, we are talking about personal boundaries that we can set for ourselves based on what we are comfortable with and how we want to be treated by others.
These personal boundaries you can set for yourself can be firm or flexible and often differ based on your relationship with the other person.
Why set boundaries?
Boundaries help us empower ourselves, promote our safety, and advocate for our behavioral expectations for others. Boundaries can protect us literally, emotionally, and energetically to keep healthy and sustainable relationships. Our personal boundaries can change over time based on our needs and interpersonal relationships. Everyone can set boundaries that work for them and feel good to them. This includes social, verbal, emotional, and physical boundaries to protect our privacy, safety, and comfort.
What is hard about setting and holding boundaries?
Sometimes, knowing where to start regarding what boundaries we should set for ourselves can be difficult. The trick with setting boundaries is to focus on your limits and what you can engage with or say yes or no to. Setting boundaries is not about changing other people’s behavior but rather detailing what you will let in and out of your boundaries.
Remember, setting boundaries is not mean or selfish.
Even after establishing our personal boundaries, holding and maintaining them can be challenging. We may have difficulty saying no, holding our ground, have a tendency to let things slide, or feel pressured to shift our boundaries.
Why do we need boundaries in sporting environments?
Given the amount of time athletes spend with one another and with their coaches, boundaries can often get blurred. From hours spent practicing and traveling to competitions, our teams may start to feel like family. Additionally, coaches have extensive influence over the athletes they train, considering diet, sleep, and personal development, which can increase over time with involvement. Given the power imbalance at play between athletes and coaches, it is paramount that healthy and strong boundaries are mindfully put in place and respected.
Athletes and coaches both play a key role in setting and respecting each other's boundaries. When boundaries are upheld and honored, coaches and athletes are set up for safer interactions, making it harder for abuse or misconduct to transpire. Healthy boundaries help to ensure that our interactions are appropriate, in scope, and consistent. This enables the athletes to focus and flourish in their sport.
What is an example of a boundary between an athlete and a coach?
For example, a coach may directly message an athlete on Instagram. An athlete could set a boundary by stating, “Let’s keep our communication on a group message per our code of conduct.”
Or, an athlete may reach out to a coach to discuss personal issues. If the athlete contacted the coach over private social media channels, a coach could set a boundary, stating, “I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. If you need help finding someone to talk to, I can share some resources with you. Or we can have a private conversation in person with another adult present.”
If the athlete approached the coach in person, but in a closed-off location, the coach could say, “I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and I have your best interests at heart, but I want to ensure we comply with our code of conduct. Is there another adult you’d be okay with being in the room? Or could we keep the door open?”.
Or, an athlete may want to return from injury too soon and ask the coach for playing time. A coach could set a boundary: by stating, "Your best interest is my top priority. Once you have been given medical clearance, you will resume playing. The team and I will continue to support you in your recovery.”
Remember, you are not alone; setting and holding boundaries can be nuanced and takes practice. If you need help, we suggest talking with a trusted and safe adult, consulting with your therapist, or contacting us at info@weridetogether.today.
Stay tuned for the next posts in #WeRideTogether’s Boundaries Series for Boundary Tools!
Annelise Ware, MHS
Program Manager at #WeRideTogether
Kathryn McClain, MSW, MBA
Program and Partnerships Director at #WeRideTogether
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