This fourth installment of #WeRideTogether’s Boundaries Series reviews “Boundary Circles,” providing a visual framework for setting boundaries. It may be helpful to review Part 1 – The Basics, which covers the basic tenets of holding boundaries (as well as why we need them in sporting environments), and Part 2 – The “Let Them” Theory, which highlights a tool anyone can use to begin working on setting and holding boundaries, and Part 3 – How Do You Take Your Coffee, which gives a metaphor on ways to communicate your boundaries.
Having a visual can be helpful when we are imagining our boundaries. Sometimes, it can be hard to decide how close to allow others into our lives, or to know what to share with whom. That’s because relationships are hard, complex, and change over time. Boundary Circles can serve as a tool, visual, and worksheet that you can use repeatedly to help discern your boundaries.
In the diagram, you are the center dot. The '1' represents your closest relationship, most intimate, deep, and personal that you have in your life. This could apply to your partner, best friend, parent, sibling, or with spirit/religion/God. This relationship is noted with a ‘1’ because, due to time and bandwidth, you can't realistically maintain more than one of these deep relationships. In this relationship with your ‘1,’ you typically have the fewest boundaries and most intimacy. This person or bond is the most open. There is little you don't share or hold back.
The next circle refers to your ‘3s’. Your ‘3s’ are the next three closest relationships in your life. This could be family members, best friends, a therapist, a coworker, or some teammates. These people are a ‘3’ based on the depth and consistency of your connection. You have a little bit more boundaries with these relationships than your ‘1’; perhaps they each play a different role in your life, or know you deeply in different ways. You probably communicate with your ‘3s’ daily or many times per week, and they know a lot about you and your life.
Moving outward are your ‘12s’. The ‘12s’ represent the next sphere of your relationships. These people you interact with frequently and have solid connections with, but they do not know you as intimately as your ‘3s.’ You may see them daily, or talk often, however, not as deeply as your inner circles. These could be classmates, coaches, teammates, coworkers, family/extended family members, teachers, etc.
The last noted circle applies to your ‘72s’. These are people you know and may interact with occasionally, and know you in some regard but they probably are not coming to your 15-person birthday party. You're not texting them daily or sharing all the updates from your personal life. They may have previously been a ‘12’ or ‘3’ or may be in the future. Boundaries with your ‘72s’ are more solid, but you know them better than strangers.
In most sports settings and situations, coaches will most likely be in the ‘12’ circle given the frequency of interaction. In elite or individual sports, or small team situations, a coach may be a ‘3.’
Take a moment to fill out the Boundary Circles activity and list out the names of those who are in each circle in your life right now. This can be a reflective activity to check and discern what you are sharing with whom and how much access you give to others in your life. Gut check, do I have stronger boundaries with my ‘72s’ than with my ‘12s’? Do my ‘3s’ know me more personally? This can help build self-awareness in examining if you are under- or oversharing with others or allowing people into your inner circles who do not rightfully belong there.
Remember, too, that people in these roles constantly change and that's ok. Someone who was your ‘3’ in high school may be a ‘12’ when you go off to college, or similarly for an ex-partner who may have been a ‘1’ but is now a ‘72’.
Additionally, you may have someone as your ‘12,’ but they view you as their ‘3.’ That’s ok, too! That understanding provides information about balance in the relationship and boundaries you may want or need to set. There are no rights or wrongs about who is in your circles, but it can be eye-opening to consider if you are feeling overburdened by relationships or if you feel lonely. Perhaps, you notice you have six ‘3s’ and can't keep up with them all; or maybe you have a bunch of ‘12s’ but have difficulty letting people into the ‘3s’ circle. This can serve as a tool for reflection.
When we have better insight into our relationships and the roles people play in our lives, we are better able to set appropriate boundaries based on our relationship dynamics. At large, we tend to have more strict boundaries and privacy with those in the outer circles, giving them less access to ourselves. Then we tend to have fewer boundaries and more intimacy with those in our inner circles.
For more information on how Boundary Circles apply in sporting settings, you can visit this resource from USA Gymnastics.
Stay tuned for the final post in #WeRideTogether’s Boundaries Series!
If you or someone you know needs support, please visit our crisis resources or resources for assistance.
Kathryn McClain, MSW, MBA
Program and Partnerships Director at #WeRideTogether
