This third installment of #WeRideTogether’s Boundaries Series reviews the “coffee metaphor,” as discussed by Dr. Janine Kreft, to assist with setting boundaries. It may be helpful to review Part 1 – The Basics, which covers the basic tenets of holding boundaries (as well as why we need them in sporting environments), and Part 2 – The “Let Them” Theory, which highlights a tool anyone can use to begin working on setting and holding boundaries.
In interpersonal relationships, we primarily communicate our boundaries through words. This may seem self-explanatory, but there can be a lot of confusion around how exactly to set a boundary. This is totally understandable! It’s hard to know what the right thing to do or say is, especially when dealing with discomfort.
Some confusion may come from how to share and hold a boundary with others, especially if that person is in a position of power, and you feel pressured to acquiesce. Different situations call for different levels of boundary-setting.
We might need to be more firm or direct when it comes to certain boundaries, especially pertaining to issues of safety or harmful behaviors. For example, if a coach pressures you to return to sport quickly from injury, placing a firm boundary by saying “I need to follow my doctor’s return-to-sport plan to maintain my long-term health,” is important to prevent worsening an injury and protect your health and well-being.
However, it’s equally important to set boundaries to protect your peace. These situations yield to more gentle language. For example, a dancer might set a boundary like, “I’m actually running low on bobby pins, I can’t lend you any today. Though, if you want, we can do a store run to snag some more after class.”
When thinking about how hard or soft to set your boundaries verbally, the coffee metaphor can be helpful.
Sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, you’re really craving the new sugary seasonal drink at Dutch Brothers. Other times, you wake up and you just need a black cup of coffee to get some caffeine in and get the day going. Both drinks are good! They both satisfy the same need – for caffeine and a delicious beverage – but one has a stronger and bolder taste than the other. Boundaries function the same way – sometimes they need to be firm and strong (like black cold brew or a strong shot of espresso), and sometimes they don’t need to be as direct and can instead be a little “sweeter” like a frappuccino with whipped cream.
Here are some examples to help you think about what you might say. Boundaries exist on a spectrum and can exist outside of the examples provided, and be sure to tailor any dialogue you use to your environment or audience.
Example – Strong: A captain overhears other teammates making plans to haze the new players. The captain immediately says, “That is not okay. Everyone here knows hazing directly violates our code of conduct. This will not be happening and will not be tolerated, and if I hear you all talking about this again, I'll report you to the coach.”
This boundary would be similar to a red-eye coffee. This is direct and can help curb or prevent problematic behavior when it happens. It’s firm and ensures that the person responsible for the inappropriate behavior knows the hazing behavior is not acceptable.
Example – Medium: A parent is emailing a coach about future team placements the day after tryouts. Coach might respond, “I’m sorry, but I will not be discussing team placements with any parents until deliberation is final. This is how we run all of our tryouts, and I hope you can understand that this is how we remain fair.”
This boundary is more akin to a latte – sweet, but the coffee flavor is still present. It’s concise and direct, but not necessarily confrontational.
Example – Gentle: An athlete decides to miss practice to study for a test. Their teammate texts, “Why not just go to practice anyways? It’s not like 1-2 hours will make that big of a difference.” The athlete might text back, “I have got to study for my exam :( my grade is dependent on it, and every hour counts! I’m excited to see you at practice tomorrow tho :).” This boundary is as sweet as the situation warrants, but the athlete is still exercising their boundaries by choosing to study.
Much of this might seem familiar if you’ve engaged with our Safe, Active Bystander Intervention materials. That’s because it operates on many similar principles – when in an uncomfortable situation, we can tailor our responses in ways that clearly convey the message and always prioritize safety without potentially worsening the situation.
The coffee metaphor is a helpful way to consider the scaffolding of boundaries we may set in our daily lives. We encounter a wide variety of situations where we may need to protect our peace, and some situations – especially those where abuse could potentially occur – may warrant more firmness than others. Just consider the level of “sweetness” that applies to your audience and environment.
For more boundary examples parallel to the coffee metaphor, check out Melissa Urban’s “The Book of Boundaries.” Urban provides a similar framework using ‘green, yellow, and red’ level boundaries to practice setting boundaries with various intensities and directness.
Stay tuned for the next post in #WeRideTogether’s Boundaries series for more Boundary Tools!
If you or someone you know needs support, please visit our crisis resources or resources for assistance.
Annelise Ware, MHS
Program Manager at #WeRideTogether
